You lie to me how many times then you have the nerve to say I love you?
You push me away until I hate myself altogether then you ask me my ring size?
You take advantage of me then you tell me sex scares you, though we almost [[now never will]] go all the way?
Everyone loves you.
"He's such a sweet guy."
"They're perfect for eachother."
"He's so good to her."
It's all I can do not no scream, "shut the fuck up!"
Oh please, they don't know what they're talking about.
They don't see you whe it's just you and I.
They don't see what you do to me.
Not that anyone fuckin cares anyway.
I'll be stupidly honest, no one fully comprehends my personality.
I'd just rather people not so I'll purposly mis-explain myself.
So stop trying to be the one that "gets me" when I don't even want you in my life.
Wasn't it you that told me that if I was going to move then you weren't going to promise that we'd stay together because you didn't want to make a promise that you couldn't keep.
Then after less then a week of you saying that, why the hell would you think I'd want to marry you?
You've only torn my heart out a countless times without even trying. Or that's what you made it look like. You make everything about you by pretending to make it about everyone else.
You asked me if I'd say yes if you asked. I didn't know what to say so I said yes. What? I couldn't tear your world apart. Your heart seemed so set on it. I didn't want to hurt you the same way you've hurt me so... many.. times...
You know we're not meant to be together. I tried to tell you that last night but I can hardly handle my own devistations. Why make another heart suffer? A real smile hasn't crossed my face for over a year. I'm the biggest fake you'll ever know. If you haven't figured that out now then what makes you think that you'll be able to see it down the road.
I love you but this just can't work.
How do you expect to be with me when you can't see how I really feel.
I don't think you get it. I'm just waiting for you to screw up big just so I can break up with you. I'm sorry if you find that harsh but I'd rather be alone then be afraid of your reactionas 24-7. That's probably something else you don't see. Everytime I'm with you I'm in constent fear that you'll soon resent me for something or other. Case and point, when you and I hungout for the first time before we went out. I thought by the end of the day your intrests in me would be gone. My intent was to hangout with you, act retarded, then be on with my life because your couriousity wasn't intrigued anymore. But then you did something that threw me off big, you likeness for me increased. I didn't know how to handle that so I just went with the flow and turned into another stupid girl and fell for you... Hard.
Donnie, I love you more then anything but this isn't fun anymore. I'm always terrified and/or in pain when it comes to you. I'm going to hurt you now.

I want to break up... Forever.
[[Please Love Her]]

1. I find it easier to talk to my friends about problems moreso then Donnie. I care too much about what he'll thnk of me and he never really tells me what he's thinking anyway unless I ask. I mean, I don't want to have to ask him something he should already know to tell me. I already feel bad for bugging him with my problems. But I guess it's easier to tell my friends because they know when and what to ask. They know how I work and they know how to get things out of me. I honestly thought that Donnie would be to that point by now, either that or past it. I know that he does care but he doesn't know how to. At least that's how I feel. I'm just exhausted from trying to put things into phrases he can understand. I want to be able to have a conversation with him where I can talk how I normally talk and him just get it. But I know that's asking too much because just about every girl wants that. The ones that have this problem anyway.


2. I really don't think I'm that pretty. I've been looking through a lot of pictures and there's really nothing to look at when they're not edited. Photoshop can make anyone look beautiful. I wish Photoshop worked in real life. I'd change everything about me. I also have a struggle with my weight. I know that sounds dumb but it's a very real problem to me. I can't go a month without crying because of it. I go on horrid diet, try to starve myself, or just almost completely OD on vitamins becuase they said "dietary suppliment." There was this one point in time where I could feel the pills tearing up my stomach and my gag reflex started acting up to get it out of my system but I made myself keep it down because I'd rather be tiny then healthy.


3. I feel like I'm falling away from God. I know all it takes is a chapter in the Bible a day and a normaly conversation with Him but my mind changes itself and says go do this instead. It feels like work just to pick up the Bible. And when I do all I'm thinking is, "I'm not going to learn anything today. I don't know where to go to get the answer for my current problem so why bother at all. I mean, it's either read something I already know or something that makes no sense whatsoever." I'll make the excuse before I even get out of bed. I hate it and I know it's hurting God but it's like I just don't care enough to get it. I hate it.


4. I don't have any me time anymore. I used to be able to do everything and then some with time always left over. Not anymore. I have work, school, church, friends, boyfriend, drama, bills, life. You always heard your parents and grandparents saying that you should enjoy life as a kid and not to grow up too quick. Live out your freedom and don't take it for granted. I'm now realizing what they meant about it. I hate it when I finally understand something but it's too late. And this is just the beggining of "life." I know it can be great if I make it out to be but it's going to feel like forever.

People that think they know all about relationship when they've never been in one and haven't even read up on them. They just go by what they "feel" and when they're wrong they just go on to the next idoit that wants their "I have no idea what I'm talking about" advice.


They say that "it could happen" to every person that comes into someone else's life. So, yes. They are right sometimes but at the sametime they were still wrong. They didn't "know." Their ego was just so far up their ass that they thought they knew.


But the worst part; when they meet someone knew and they're having crush trouble, that person is right there to tell them the wrong thing. The only reason why they listen is because they took credit for being "right" when two people that they knew got together. Even though they were wrong the other 99% of the time.


I'm currently in a relationship (with the most ahhmazing guy ever) and I'm going to be honest; I barely know what I'm doing. I'm far from the "relationship expert" level and that's fine with me. It just means I'm not a player, lolz. Either way, it's the point that I'm not pretending to be highly educated on something I've never dealt with.


I've read all the dating books out there and let me tell you; the books are nothing like the real thing. It's so much better. =] It's just mainly guidelings, which are great, but talking things through with your boyfriend/girlfriend is way better.

Secret #25 I love it when you hold me.
Secret #26 I randomly say your name out loud.
Secret #27 I think about naps a lot more now. =]
Secret #28 I love your fingers laced in mine.
Secret #29 When I feel your lips against mine my heart comes alive.
Secret #30 I'm still getting used to "us."
Secret #31 I wish I had met you sooner.
Secret #32 You're the only person I ever think about.
Secret #33 I wanted to say "I love you" sooner then I did.
Secret #34 I'm still really scared.
Secret #35 If this were to end I'd never love again.
Secret #36 We only have to part for a few seconds and I miss you.
Secret #37 I want to know what you think of me.
Secret #38 I should be doing work right now, lolz.
Secret #39 I'll lick my lips when I think about kissing you.
Secret #40 I've never felt so girly in my life.
Secret #41 I've never loved like this. [[Besides God]]
Secret #42 The fact that you want me makes me so happy I could cry.

I just want you to know that I think you're the most ahhmazing guy in the world and I'm glad that everything we are is real. There's something about you that makes the worst of days okay. The best day of my life always changes when I hang out with you. Every moment that I think about you my feelings flow deeper. I adore our talks and even the quiet moments where nothing's said and we just lay there. My head on your chest hearing nothing but your heart beat. You're my pillow and lullaby. I'm overjoyed that God brought you into my life. I didn't know what living life to the fullest meant until I met you. I had come to the point in my life where I felt like I was falling and there was nothing I could do about it but then you come along and catch me before I hit bottom. I'm strong, yes. But a little help along the way is what the doctor called for. Your kisses are my pain killers and your smile is the band-aid. I couldn't ask for anyone better. Thank you for being you. =]

[[Too bad you'll never see this]]






I love thee, I love but thee
With a love that shall not die
Till the sun grows cold
And the stars grow old.
~ by Willam Shakespeare ~